I almost took a comedian to small claims court

I almost took a fellow comedian to small claims court.

I paid her two drinks to the value of twenty dollars to do a Scottish accent on stage.

We had a written agreement.

She took the drinks; I did not get the accent.

The facts of the case are as follows.

Three weeks before this offence, I bumped into her when she was doing her fourth set. I was on my hundredth and something.

We chatted and hit it off. She wanted to hook up.

The next week we left the show together. I bought $40 worth of drinks, putting me in overdraft, and then she asked for an Uber home and I said no way. It was friendly.

We walked onto a pier and chatted for about an hour while I smoked weed and she took a piss standing up like a boy.

She was telling me how she can do accents and started going through her repertoire. Her Scottish accent was indistinguishable from a native speaker.

She asked me if it turned me on and I said, “A bit.” and then I kissed her. But we didn’t hook up.

About a week later I hadn’t seen her at any of the open mics.

I told her I’d buy her and her friends drinks if she did the Scottish accent as part of her act.

She was jubilant and signed on to the lineup. However, her enthusiasm wore off as day faded into night and a few minutes before her spot, she reneged on the written agreement we had.

The next day I was distraught. I feared I had been played for a fool. I felt like a shmuck and my mood was litigious.

I ran to my special counsel for lunch.

Thankfully my counsel talked me down from using the fist of law and instead recommended I negotiate for a few bottles of water, sparkling, in berry flavour, to be purchased as compensation for my loss.

I have yet to see the plaintiff, but when I do, I’m dropping the watery hammer.

Thank you, special counsel. I almost took a fellow comedian to small claims court.


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