Defeat the greatest coffee shop scam of all time by visiting 7/11

Several weeks ago I was banished to rural NSW, a treacherous portion of the country where 7/11s are painfully absent and Gloria Jeans reigns supreme. Loyal readers will know my time in Australia’s Siberia was not unproductive. Over the bitterness of a Gloria Jeans long black, I unearthed the greatest scam in the world, one that is being perpetrated at every coffee house and which consumers are complicit in.

It is an utter disgrace and brings the human race into disrepute.

The large coffee and the small coffee have only one shot of espresso in them, but the large coffee costs between $2 and $4 more! What are you paying for? A few millilitres of extra heated water. How do you feel being coerced into paying $4 for 50 ml of hot water? Pathetic, I’m sure.

Do not despair. This morning I perfected a technique which the exploited and downtrodden can use to regain control over the caffeine-controlling overlords. To cash in, you will need to visit 7/11, the greatest coffee shop in the world.

Simply pick a cup of any size, select the $1 option, and then select Short Black. This will deposit a shot of espresso into your cup.

Repeat the $1 Short Black selection as many times as required and only pay for the cost of the cup.

I discovered this method on my first day back in 7/11 country and relished a $1 triple shot coffee overly a poorly rolled cigarette. A few minutes later I rushed to the bathroom to commit crimes against toilet paper.

I do not feel bad about scamming my favourite coffee shop, seeing as they are guilty of one scam and possibly guilty of another. Their immorality does not dissuade my love for them. Imagine a world where that was the case! It would be no fun.

My obsession with coffee is becoming problematic. If this progresses any further I am at risk of starting a column solely investigating injustices committed in and around coffee shops, and that would be dangerous for the coffee industry.

Two wrongs may not make a right, but two shots of espresso definitely does.

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