I was defiled by a 7/11 doughnut

There was a scripture I heard frequently as a child that I wish I had paid more attention to.

Proverbs 7:11

Be wary of the temptation of 7/11, for it is open at all hours of the night, and while their doughnuts appear to be fresh they will harden in your stomach like blubber on pig-eating gentiles.

Most of you know 7/11 as the perfect place to take a date, as the entire experience will cost less than $3, or maybe you know 7/11 as the perpetrator of various food and drink scams I have exposed. This is not why I write to you today, although I could; recently they copied the sushi scam written about here with a $2 Friday Pie day scam.

On a particularly cold Friday, I entered my local 7/11 to get one of those crusty $2 Beef Pies and lo and behold the price was back up to $5.

“Last week it ended,” the attendant told me smugly, again. I did not pay out of principle, again.

I said that’s not why I’m writing to you so I will leave it at that. I have done enough damage to 7/11’s reputation as it is.

Today I write to you about 7/11 Cookies and Cream Doughnuts.

Recently to numb the pain of the $2 pie betrayal, I turned to 7/11’s new Cookies and Cream doughnuts, as per their collaboration with Hershey’s, and motherfucker let me tell you the soft juicy filling is worth the weight I’ve put on.

I used to have the body of a Christian. I work out daily, eat mostly chicken salads, and I rarely ever splurge on anything that tastes delicious. I do eat nuts, and nuts are delicious, but not in the way doughnuts are and my body is starting to show the signs of late night sin.

In less than a week, my belly has started hanging over my pants when I sit down. My belt buckle has moved holes like a teenager trying anal. Even with that salty image in my mind, I cannot resist licking the brown goo off my lips as I shove another doughnut down my pie hole.

I have donated a new slogan to the doughnut campaign:

7/11’s new Cookies and Cream doughnut,
It’s worth the weight

This is an unusually discombobulated post and I chalk it up to the damage the doughnut has wreaked on my physical and mental health.

I will leave you now to enter rehab – a 12 hour train trip.

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